I am doing this 31 days of BPD challenge because of the stigma associated with Borderline Personality Disorder. It is probably one of the last talked about (honestly) and explained from personal experience than any other mental illness. All these prompts have to do with characteristics of BPD, whether to do with specific symptoms and criteria of the illness or vague questions about items that are related to the illness, ex questions about specific relationships.
- Day 1: Think of the last time you were really angry. Why was that?
The last time I was really angry was a couple summers ago. I was living on my own and my boyfriend of three years would stay over frequently. I went out for happy hour with my co-workers after work on a Friday and after discussing with my friends about some hurtful comments that my boyfriend had made to them in the past, I went home and I verbally attacked my boyfriend regarding the hurtful comments that was brought to my attention. I approached him in the worst way possible, didn’t help that I had alcohol in my system either. He hugged me and I immediately said, “NEVER EVER say hurtful things to my friends again!” I didn’t ask if he had said them, I didn’t question why he had said them, and I didn’t get his side of the story. Instead I assumed and attacked.
His response? “Do not come at me like that the moment you get home. I can tell you are very upset and I do not like the way you are approaching this situation. I said those things in a joking matter, they must have taken it seriously. I am going to go stay at my parents house tonight until you calm down and approach this differently.”
Not realizing that I was in the wrong with how I approached him, I got even more angry that he didn’t want to stick around and hash it out. I wanted to get to the bottom of this. Looking back, him leaving WAS a good idea. In the moment, I said hurtful things about how he wouldn’t stick around and talk about anything, I yelled, I put him down, and attacked him verbally. Once he left, I blew up his phone telling him how much I hated him and told him to never come back. That night, I felt alone, scared and even more angry that he hadn’t come back. Why would he? I was crazy. SO, I packed up all his things and dropped it off at his parents house and told him to leave me alone for good. All of this over a silly argument. Why couldn’t I calm myself down and ask myself if maybe he was right and behaving rationally? Deep down, I knew I was wrong for approaching it the way I did, but my emotions and anger got the best of me.
The next day, I chased after him crying my eyes out, apologizing for what I did. He was hesitant, which made me freak out. I didn’t want to leave him or be alone, so why did I react the way I did and drop all of his things off? He knew I struggle with BPD, so we discussed me getting more help. Has anyone read the book, “I hate you – Don’t leave me”? I basically did just that, pushed him away in anger then immediately needed him to stay.
The frustrating part of all this is, we didn’t even resolve the statements made to my friends, because I blew everything out of hand and turned it into a million other issues. I have learned to just breathe and understand that anger isn’t going to solve anything, especially with alcohol in the mix. Today, I would handle a situation like this completely different.
This was the last time, I was extremely angry.